what do you do when you want to give up?

because I'm at a loss.
saturday we came home from being away on a 10 day vacay to FLA.
i am SO HAPPY to be back at work today.
(now that's just crazy talk)
and life shouldn't be like that.

Phil Collins

one thing that i <font=sarcasm>really enjoy</font> is when i reach out to someone (in particular, who will remain anonymous) with a frustration, or during a time of mental health anguish, and i get NO REPLY AT ALL.
none.
not even an, "i'm busy right now, can we regroup at XX:XX to chat?"
nada.
crickets.
and then they have the audacity to complain that i don't talk much when we're together, etc. etc. etc.

now THAT's just crazy talk.

Cloak of invisibility

Often, when asked if they could have a super power, people will say, "I want to be invisible."
No, no you don't.
I don't have any super powers, yet I feel invisible most of the time I am at home. It is almost as if walking through the door coats me with magic invisibility powder that wears off when I am away from home.
I hate it.

tap tap tap

is this thing still on?
while in the shower this morning I recalled this fun blog site.
I have so much trapped in my head that I could spew here.....but still am afraid that eventually it would be discovered and fall into the wrong hands/eyes.
so....
dammit.
where can I be free?

i can't even....

so many bad thoughts spinning around in my head. I am at wit's end with our middle kid (18) and am allowing the frustration and anger to cross over into my interactions with my wife and our youngest (9). I don't know, actually, how much longer I can manage to keep what little sanity I have left. I isolate more now than I have in a long time. I am more apathetic than I have been in a long time. and sadly, once again, I consider self harm as a way to cope. I haven't carried out those thoughts, but they are there, every day, taunting me, tempting me. and with summer over, it will be easier to hide the results... and rationalizing those thoughts? "that's just crazy talk."

Fraud

feeling like a big ol fraud these days. i'm the new Employee Health and Wellness Nurse at our hospital. i'm at my heaviest weight. i eat crap all the time. i'm the most depressed person i know. i'm lazy. i really don't 'care'. i'm supposed to start teaching an 8 week stress reduction class. i don't do ANY of the things suggested in the cirriculum. now that's just crazy talk.

voices in my head

fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.fuckity fuck fuck you ya fuckity fuck fuck.

what the hell do i look like?? wait, don't answer that....

middle dude left the house last night at 10pm to go 'hang at a friend's house', and said that he was going to spend the night and go to school from there. mom said it wasn't a good idea, and that she wasn't keen on it. i said nothing, because nothing i say matters in these situations. he broke back into the house through his bedroom window at midnight because, 'i forgot my phone charger'. yea, right. your phone charger....and he went back to his friend's house. mom had told him that she needs him to be home by 515 this afternoon to help her parents with something when they drop it off (i don't get along with them at all, and need to leave the house when they come over). he put up a stink about it, even though the actual work to be done will take less than 10 minutes. he just sent me a text asking if i can pick him up from his friends house in time for him to be at the house when his grandparents arrive. WHAT THE>>>> WhAT THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE????? i am so mad. SO MAD. every damn day. i need to vent my frustrations, but..... that's just crazy talk.

Saturday morning thoughts....

this morning has the vibe of being a disastrous day for me, mentally. sad part is, i'm the only one awake, so it is just my 'tapes' playing in my head that are creating this feeling. well, come call them 'tapes', i call it 'experience' and statistics/probability. going to do what i can to stay focused on the positive as well as the things that i can actually control (basically MY ACTIONS are all that i can control), and get through the day. once again, i am back to dreading weekends; now that's just crazy talk.

too sensitive?

today is Father's Day. a certain special someone posted on her FB page today a nice paragraph about 3 wonderful fathers; hers and her two brothers. but didn't mention me, the father of one of her children. not 15 minutes before the post appeard she'd sent me a nice text saying nice things about me as a Dad, and at the time i really appreciated the kindness. then i read her post on FB, and all of the wonderful feelings went away. not sure if i should be upset by all of it, or is that just crazy talk?